The family gathering survival guide
Around significant holidays, adverts project a rose-tinted view of family gatherings - delicious food, lots of chocolate, harmony, laughter, and warmth. If that isn't your reality, this blog is for you.
Family holidays can be tough if some of your relationships are difficult - draining, tense, or unpredictable. You might spend days bracing for the get-together, and days afterwards recovering.
That's not weakness. It's your body - your nervous system - responding to a situation that feels overwhelming, one which may reopen past wounds.
Here are some strategies that I hope will help you through it.
Before contact: decide your availability
Before you arrive, take a moment to check in with yourself. What are you available for today? Some families expect constant engagement - hours of games, group activities, non-stop togetherness. Some like a good political debate. It's fine to decide in advance that you'll join in for a while, and also take yourself for a walk, or step away for a bit. You don't need to justify it, but it's totally reasonable to say "I think I'll take a breather" or "I might pop outside for a bit." It's better to do this before you feel completely overwhelmed - pace yourself.
Think of it as a sort of emotional Formula One race; you need pit stops to get yourself through it.
During contact: stay oriented to yourself
You may feel a pull to shrink, fix, over-explain, or move into an old pattern. You don't have to act on it. If you start to feel wobbly, stick to facts rather than feelings: rather than saying "you never listen to me," try "I'd like to finish what I was saying." It's harder to argue with, and it keeps you out of old loops. If in doubt, keep responses brief and factual, and use “I” statements.
If you need a break, take one. I find these exercises the most helpful:
Breathe out for longer than you breathe in. Try four counts in, six counts out. This is a hack that activates your parasympathetic nervous system and tells your body you're safe.
Use your 5 senses. Name one thing you can see, one you can hear, one you can touch, one you can smell, and one you can taste. It sounds simple, but it brings you back into the present and out of your head.
High-risk moments
Arrivals and goodbyes tend to carry the most intensity, as do meals, or moments when old dynamics resurface. If things start to spike, move to a quieter space, find a task to focus on, or have a reason ready to step outside. Remember, you don't need to manage the whole day. Just the next hour.
It's worth keeping an eye on how much you're drinking: alcohol initially takes the edge off, but it tends to make us more anxious, switches off the sensible part of our brain, and lowers the threshold for exactly the reactions you're probably trying to avoid.
After contact: plan for rest and restoration
Expect a wobble or slump when you get home. Do something grounding before you start replaying or analysing. Plan something restorative for afterwards: time with people who feel easy, a pet, time in nature, something absorbing and low-key. A walk, a jigsaw, something that keeps your hands busy and your mind quiet. Now is not the time to try and make sense of everything; your nervous system needs space to calm down first.
A few things worth remembering
Two seemingly opposing things can be true at the same time: you can love or care about someone and still find them hard to be around. Guilt often shows up when we step outside our family script - when we stop over-functioning, stop smoothing things over, or simply take up a bit more space. That doesn't mean you've done something wrong; it just reflects that it is hard. The goal here isn't to fix the relationship or have a breakthrough. It's just to get through it as best you can, taking care of yourself along the way.
You're not failing if it doesn't look like the M&S ad.