Struggling with assertiveness? These 14 rights could be a game-changer.

When someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do, what happens in your body? Do you pause and consider? Give a holding reply so you have time to think about it? Or do you feel that familiar pressure and say “yes”, or give in?

Perhaps you replay conversations later and wish you had spoken up. Maybe you stay quiet to keep the peace. Maybe you find yourself wondering what is “allowed” or “right” in this context.

When you train to be a therapist, you learn a lot of stuff, but often the simplest interventions can be the most helpful. Some years ago, my therapist at the time handed me a simple sheet of paper with the 14 rights below printed on it. I was surprised. I had worked in human rights, but I had never thought about this kind of right. Later, when I worked at the Priory, my team used the same sheet with clients.

The 14 rights

These 14 rights form the foundation of assertiveness and boundaries. The question is not whether you agree with them in theory (although that can be an interesting debate in itself). It is how many you genuinely allow yourself to claim, and how many you allow others to claim too.

I have found them a game-changer. If I’m having an unassertive week - and we all have them - I stick this list on my fridge door. It helps centre me: I hope it might do the same for you.

Assertiveness means claiming these rights for yourself and allowing other people to claim them too. If you claim the rights for yourself but refuse them to others, that is aggressive. If you allow others to claim them but deny them to yourself, that is passive. Assertiveness sits in the middle.

Most of us learned what was normal in our families. Parents and carers modelled how to say no, how to disagree, and how to make requests. If they struggled with boundaries, we absorbed that. It is not our fault if we didn’t learn about assertiveness and boundaries, but it is our responsibility to do something about it if a lack of either is hampering our life.

As you read the list below, consider these questions:

• Which of these rights do I claim easily?

• Which feel uncomfortable or unsafe?

• Are there certain people or environments where they feel harder to claim?

• Are there rights I allow others but not myself?

• Are there rights I take for myself but resist in others?

You do not need to master all fourteen at once. Start small. Which ones do you react to? Which ones feel obvious? Which ones feel downright rebellious? Can you claim some rights in one context but not in another?

You might choose one right this week and practise it. You might write it somewhere visible. You might pause before answering someone and quietly remind yourself, “I have the right to say no.”

Here they are:

1. I have the right to express my feelings.

2. I have the right to express my opinions and beliefs.

3. I have the right to say yes and no for myself.

4. I have the right to change my mind.

5. I have the right to say, “I don’t understand.”

6. I have the right simply to be myself without having to act for other people’s benefit.

7. I have the right to decline responsibility for other people’s problems.

8. I have the right to make reasonable requests of others.

9. I have the right to set my own priorities.

10. I have the right to be listened to and taken seriously.

11. I have the right to make mistakes and feel comfortable about admitting to them.

12. I have the right to be illogical in making decisions.

13. I have the right to say, “I don’t care.” (this one is usually controversial)

14. I have the right to be miserable or cheerful. (this is an important one to know if you have a teenager at home).

A few last points:

Tone. How you communicate these rights matters. If you are shouting number 13 at someone, let’s be honest, you are probably not being assertive.

Control. You cannot control whether other people claim these rights, or whether they offer them to you. You cannot make someone listen, respect your priorities, or take your feelings seriously. What you can control is whether you claim these rights for yourself, and whether you allow others to claim them too. That is where your responsibility lies.

But won’t it ruin my relationships? Many people worry that being clearer about boundaries will damage relationships. In reality, respectful clarity often improves them. When expectations are spoken rather than guessed at, there is less resentment, less confusion, and fewer unspoken scores being kept. More on that in a later blog.

For now, why not give it a whirl? Stick the list on your fridge door for a week and see how it goes.