Your ‘shoulds’ are showing.

I heard an expression that tickled me the other day, on a therapist facebook group (yes, we have them - and yes, they are mostly friendly). “Your ‘shoulds’ are showing”. 

‘Shoulds’ are something that most of us have. Once you start to think about it, I think you know what I’m talking about. We all have them: 

I should be thinner.

I should be nicer. 

I should see that friend.

I shouldn’t cancel that lunch. 

We might be aware of specific ones related to our sex, gender, culture, age, for example:

Women should be kind/smile.

Men shouldn't cry.

A Christian should forgive. 

And on it goes. The societal ‘shoulds’ change over time: the expectations of many women growing up in the 1950s in the UK would have been very different to those of those who grew up in the 90s. 

What are ‘shoulds’? 

‘Shoulds’ are rules that are transmitted to us from the outside - by our families, caregivers, teachers, role models, societies. I’m going to go so far as to say I’ve never come across a ‘should’ where this wasn’t the case. 

Is that such a bad thing? I hear you ask. Well, it is and it isn’t. Some shoulds are helpful: I should not kill; I should not abuse. These are, in fact, the law; they protect the vulnerable and keep things ticking along. 

I’m interested in the more arbitrary, innocuous ‘shoulds’. If I’m in session and hear a ‘should’, my ears prick up straight away. Where did that ‘should’ come from? Who told you that? I’m interested because, when our ‘shoulds’ don’t align with who we really are, or what we really think, or are unrealistic, then they cause distress. An example might be a client who feels they ‘shouldn’t’ say no to others for fear of upsetting them. Where did that ‘should’ come from - who taught you that other people’s feelings and needs matter more than yours? 

These ‘shoulds’ tend to be tricky, because they tend to cause distress. They are often how we learned to be accepted, even loved, in a family. Not meeting them could even come with some jeopardy, depending on our environment. Because of this, ‘shoulds’ tend to show up with a side helping guilt, shame or anxiety: we’re not meeting the standard, or the standard is causing unreasonable pressure. 

Because ‘shoulds’ tend to feel universally true (spoiler: they often aren’t), they tend to show up in our interpersonal relationships, too. External ‘shoulds’ - the ones we do to others - show up as anger and judgement. That’s why they usually result in distance. We might ‘should’ our friends: “she knows I’ve had a rough week; she should have texted me.” “They should have remembered my birthday.” Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying drop all standards, but too much ‘shoulding’ in relationships tends to cause distance and tension. People can sense a ‘should’ a mile away. 

It's easier to move towards a ‘want’ than a ‘should’

'Shoulds' can, in fact, be pretty repellant. If you’ve seen a kid respond to a “you shouldn’t do that” you’ve probably seen anger or shame. Sometimes, underneath the ‘should’, a ‘want’ is sticking out. “I should be kinder” is kind of arbitrary: “I want to have better relationships” helps you work out what changes might lead to that. (What if you’re being too kind; what if your boundaries need some work?!) If you feel your friend ‘should’ text you, is it that you want support? A want is a carrot; a ‘should’ is a stick. 

Underneath the should, is there a want that is worth acknowledging?

What can I do about my ‘shoulds’?

I’m not here to tell you to drop all your ‘shoulds’ at once (that would be me ‘shoulding’ you). If you’re curious about your ‘shoulds’, you could note down:

Which of my ‘shoulds’ are showing at the moment? 

Where did I get them from? Who said it should be that way? 

Which ones are getting in the way of my important relationships or goals? 

Which ones are causing me distress?

What is the ‘want’ underneath the ‘should’?

If you felt even more curious, you could experiment with a ‘should’ you’re wrestling with at the moment. If there’s a friend who ‘should’ have texted, maybe you could text them. If you feel you ‘should’ be further along with a task, what would it be like to put that down, let it go for the day? 

As with anything, noticing is the first step. If your ‘shoulds’ are showing, and they’re running the show, it’s a chance to hear the ‘should’ and - consciously this time - decide whether it’s helpful or not.